For example, how will I look when my hair magically poufs up into the obligatory old lady hairdo? Can one still buy pink foam rollers for pouf maintenance?
Where do old ladies buy the sucking candies they carry in their handbags? (My grandma carried these rectangular fruity things that were filled with fruity goo. The first cum candy.) How long should they collect lint in the bottom of my handbag before they’re suitable for distribution?
I guess I’m going to have to open a Dillard’s account.
Too bad I look terrible in white pants, but what can I do? The fashionistas have spoken. And I hope Tom will love me all the same in white waist-high nylon panties.
It will be kind of a relief to give up all pretense of wearing cute shoes and just relax into comfortable. I'm thinking white sandals with nice thick gum soles and Velcro closures. And perhaps little gold tsatsakas dangling off them, to make them look snazzy.
Gosh, it’s going to be a busy week. A girl doesn’t age overnight, you know. What else do I need for this very important transition?
By the way, all you Metroplexites. My birthday weekend kicks off Friday night at the AllGood. Black and Blue will rock in my advanced age. If you’re out and about, wander that way. Music starts 9-ish. (Because we old folks just can’t stay up late.)
6 comments:
But, Sophie, you have so much to look forward to. Like your first colonoscopy.
Truth is, after my initial shock wore off (after only 3-4 years, since I DO NOT DEAL WELL WITH CHANGE), I really enjoyed my 50s and am pathetically clinging to them now.
Hey, at 50 you can join AARP too.
From one of the OLD people...
Personally I find my 50's to be a really hot age and while I don't carry any of those obligatory candies, I probably lug just about everything else.
Definite advantages to being in my 50's (54 to be exact): you don't have to provide many excuses for not saying yes to some new endeavor- folks just automatically assume you need to go home for your nap; you can join AARP (as mentioned by jdwoiton); if you go out to dine with older friends who can order off of the senior menu, the waitress will probably let you also (saves big bucks and much more tolerable portions); It is great not to have to explain doing something totally out of the norm, again, people just assume you are menopausal; and the best one of all is enjoying the surprise on people's faces when they incorrectly guess you are younger than your years!
Enjoy your last days of your 40's - get ready to celebrate your 50's!
I haven't heard a peep outta AARP. Shouldn't they have come looking for me by now?
I'm down with AARP. Not so much the colonoscopy.
These days I'm finding that few people look genuinely startled when I tell them my age.
Announcer: "Hey kids, who wants some Cum Candy?"
Kids: "I do! I do!"
(Doll, if your wit stays as sharp as it is into your golden years I'm going to have to start calling you Tallulah instead of Sophia.)
You also need to learn how to sleep and rock in your LaZBoy without flattening the back of your hairdo (which only gets re-done every week or two, of course). My grandmother is 87 and still has not mastered this.
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