Confusing On So Many Levels

"Make an entrance"? Are you backing into the room? Or are we talking about something that doesn't belong in a family newspaper?

And why would I miss you if you are making an entrance?

My brain hurts.

Oh, Dillard's...

Oh Dillard's, you make it so hard for me to move on. Why did you put this woman's feet on backwards? Step away from the Photoshop...

a new you!

It's kinda like the old you, minus accessories. Not so exciting, really.

It's been a long time since I mocked Dillard's. But this one touched my heart.

mother's day 2009

This is such a festive time of year! Sunday is Mother’s Day, which means it’s time for the parade of identical, badly dressed Dillard’s MILFs.

This year, get your three moms expensive and wildly unflattering “patio dresses.” Nothing says “I love you” like a paisley tent.

(Take a little walk down memory lane, through Dillard's posts past.)

one sad bad ad

You know I have only the greatest respect and affection for newspapers, for my former employer (well, mixed feelings there, but generally positive), and certainly for the brave souls who go to work each day under the darkening cloud of desperation, layoffs, and now pay cuts.

And so it is with deep regret that I am forced to mock this sad, ill-advised in-house ad.

These are fine reporters doing a fine job for the business section. But really, is it not a plea for fashion intervention? Stacy and Clinton, where are you?

The ad is supposed to instill our confidence but instead, it breaks my heart.
Do you suppose the paper even told this gang that they would be posing for a photo that day? Or did they just round them up from their desks--where they sat overworked and bleary-eyed—and hustle them into the photo studio?

This just confirms journalists’ schlumpy reputation. I mean, it's OK to be schlumpy. They have other things on their minds. But what does this ad accomplish?

I’m also frustrated with the paper, which has long tried to stifle personality in the writing it publishes in an era when personality rules the media. Now, this is how it tries to promote its fine employees? With this sad-sack line-up of beleaguered writers? How much wiser it would have been to nurture voices and stars all along. This Hail Mary falls far short and only serves to emphasize how desperate and out-of-touch newspapers are.

By the way, I do like the new feature they're promoting, a page called "The Economy and You." If I could find it on the Web site, I'd link to it, but don't get me started on that...

depression chic

For days when even showering is more than you can deal with.

smoldering dillard's man

Look deep into my eyes and try to ignore my sweater vest.

i have so many questions

Bad ad du jour: How big is this couch? How big is this house? How small are these people? Why are they so far away from each other? Is romance dead? How much does that coffee table weigh?

dillard's news

I see in today's news that investors want to oust Dillard's management. I take no responsibility for this.

However, here is a Dillard's disaster that has been sitting on my desk waiting for attention. This poor girl appears to have collapsed under the weight of her over-accessorization. I think the watch attached to her purse might have been the last straw.



I have lots more to say about lots of things but I'm trying to catch up after a week away from my desk. Please stay tuned. The goddam shoe wheel will make another appearance and things will get psychological again. But for the moment, I am dealing with Cream of Wheat brain. It happens sometimes.

P.S. My new ambition in life is to "go rogue."

my husband helps out

Tom husband is very supportive of my work. I'm traveling and busy this week, but he wanted to help insure that the high quality of my blog is maintained, so when he opened his morning paper and saw this, he rushed it to me immediately.


Where this goes wrong is with the strange glowing thighs and the way her hands are strategically placed to mask/draw attention to her childbearing hips. Which actually appear to be smaller than they appear.

morning paper

I don't have to tell you how much bad news there is in the paper these days. Dismal.

That's why I like to ignore the real news and concentrate on everything else to get my morning laughs.

For example--what, exactly, is happening to this woman?



If you buy new windows you are then consumed by balloons?

Then we have the ever-entertaining apoplectic readers:



And a special shout-out to Dear Abby for this:



That is all. I am busy.

more confusing advertising

I don't know exactly what's going on in this ad but it's creepy.

dillard's du jour

Dillard's could have the same impact if it simply ran an ad that said, "Dillard's. We're a department store and we sell stuff" as it does with this sad sack selection.

If you are morally opposed to advertising (and aren't we all, just a little?) and its calculated ability to make you crave things you don't need, then you must applaud Dillard's. I feel no pangs of deprivation when I look at this ad. Mostly, I think, "Hey, I have nicer stuff than that."

Perhaps Dillard's is positioning itself as shopping for the non-aspirational. Perhaps in solidarity with that anti-consumerist message, I should now shop only Dillard's. But I already have a hoodie and jeans.

I actually have a friend who shops the Dillard's sales racks frequently and always comes up with cute stuff. But I'm just fascinated, and bumfuzzled, by their marketing plan.

flotsam friday

Pardon my lousy mood. I’ll try to keep it to myself and just toss a little cheery flotsam your way.

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Cute Overload has a particularly great post today--check out the Prairie Dog smash-ups, here. Sound necessary. Some people have magical talents.

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If I dug a hole in my backyard straight through the other side of the Earth, I would emerge in the middle of the Indian Ocean. Which doesn’t sound like a lot of fun. How do I know this? Worldhum turned me on to the cool and essentially useless Google Tunneling Tool. Just because. Beats working.

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New model, same depressing style…



Evidently, there’s a small anti-Dillard’s movement brewing. Stockholders aren’t happy. Here’s a blogful of complaints. Evidently women don’t want to dress like Opal Pickles.

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Speaking of fashion, if you’re a fan of The Sartorialist then check out the senior version, Advanced Style. The text can be patronizing at times but the intentions are good and the styles range from inspiring to merely impressively audacious.

The video below comes to us via Advanced Style and this lady rocks.



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Another well-informed voter unleashes her ire on Charles Gibson’s glasses.



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You can tell I reported this story about visiting the fabulous Best Friends Animal Sanctuary a long time ago, because l'il ZsaZsa (RIP) makes an appearance in the lede. But I'm glad the story has finally made it into print.

And here's a story about my most recent glamorous trip, to the Choctaw Casino in Durant, OK. Actually, we had a pretty good time. Oklahoma good.

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OK, let’s all cheer up, because the renewed mind is the key. This is a must-watch, coming to me via my kooky friends at the United Methodist Reporter (via Best TV Week Ever). Warning: Earworm ahead.

is she being punished?

You know, Dillard's does have some OK clothes in their ads sometimes. But never, never on this poor woman. This model must be toting some pretty terrible karma because she is only photographed in the most unfortunate outfits. What did you do to Dillards, poor MILF-lady?

little girls and gang signs

So I guess this means the little girl on yesterday's Sears sales flier is probably not a gang member.

That's a relief.

my sunday newspaper

My Sunday newspaper is always so fodderful, I am compelled to share.

For example, this ad...


Little girls and gang signs? Or just a confused Hook 'em Horns?



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Please, help this poor boy on the left. His compression top appears to be cranked up a few notches too high.



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Here's a perfectly sweet letter that careens right off the road in the last sentence.



And finally, you think I'm cranky? "Freelance writer" Bill Ames almost hurts himself here. SmartCars, Al Gore, his neighbors, illegal immigrants--he spews venom in all directions. Sure, I'd be annoyed at the letter his neighbor left, it's completely idiotic, but take a chill pill, Bill. And for the record, I used to ride DART (local rapid transit) late at night a couple of times a week and was never mugged.

I'm leaving town in a couple of hours but will do my best to entertain you from the road.

the chain match continues

"My shorts are more ridiculous!"
"NO! My shorts are more ridiculous!"

What's at stake? The winner gets to keep his "Men's Under Armour Heatgear Blitz Compression Top."

dillard's is silly but neimans is creepy

Here’s our happy multiple mom again, from today’s paper. She’s still silly but the bathing suits in this ad aren’t hideous and I’ve grown accustomed to her face and her easy-care hair.

Turn the page and…. (cue music from Psycho shower scene)


My god! This poor child! Feed her! Get her out of those Devil Shoes! For god’s sake, at least let her grow up a few years before you put her through this. Look at this sweet little girl face.

Yeah, yeah. Fashionistas are rolling their eyes at me—so gauche to complain about skinny underage models. But this photo gives me the willies.

Here, a young Dallas model discusses her bout with eating disorders. I wanted to cry and throw up reading that one casting director for Paris fashion week told her, "You're turning into a woman, and your body is changing. You need to learn to control that."

I know women are supposed to be inspired to shop by imagining they look younger, slimmer and sexier than they are, but this can go too far. Even when fashion photos aren’t quite as disturbing as this one, I’m not dumb enough to imagine I’ll ever look like a 14-year-old dressed as a grown up. I wouldn’t want to, anyway.

I had a similar thought while working out the other day to a Crunch DVD. All those pretty, perky and extremely buff women were supposed to inspire me but that was not the effect they had. I wished for someone I could relate to, someone who was a little bit older, a little bit curvier, a little bit imperfect but fit. I wasn’t discouraged by the sight of all those sexy sixpacks, but with them on the TV screen, my reflection in the mirror was kind of depressing. One reason Richard Simmons workouts are so much fun is because he has people of all sizes Sweatin' to the Oldies. To me, that’s much more inspiring than a chorus line of women who clearly dedicate their lives to their buns and abs. They only makes me feel that what I can do is not enough and never will be.

tom says

"Poor dad"


Dad, would you prefer dull (far left), butt-ugly (far right) or elastic-waist shorts? (Middle photo, far left. Or perhaps slightly too-short shorts. I have no particular gripes about the third pair of shorts but they need to keep better company.) Which says "I love you" to you?

For rich dad we have bling. Note the quote under the little photo of father and son. Presumably the little boy is supposed to have said that but do the copywriters know what the idiom "you wind me up" means? So are we celebrating dad's magic ability to wind his kids up? Yeah, OK. Tasteless bling should do the trick.



And finally, I'm not sure what annoys me about this ad--too bad my scanner is too small for full page ads--but it does. Please fill in your own mocks.