men and women and the crosses they bear

My friend John once explained to me that women cannot and will never fathom the sense of responsibility men feel about being a breadwinner. Some of us might think we do, but the socialization men have experienced throughout history carries far greater weight than even the most passionately held egalitarian principals.

I couldn’t argue with John. And when I told Tom, he agreed with absolute conviction.

I believe them.

When I’m kvetchy about my professional struggles and worried about money, I feel like I’m letting myself down, not that I’ve failed in my role in society. But men have internalized the judgment of society for their ability to financially support not only themselves, but also their loved ones. And the ability to make money seems to define their masculinity in an indefinable way. (Yes, I am speaking in sweeping generalizations. If you don’t like it, write your own blog.)

In a NTY column, a psychiatrist talks about what fallen titans of Wall Street are feeling these days:

The problem was that his sense of success and accomplishment was intimately tied to his financial status; he did not know how to feel competent or good about himself without this external measure of his value.

I’d compare all this to how many women (i.e. me) feel about their weight. Men know we worry about it a lot, but they will never be able to fully understand the full effects of body image issues. I’m in a fat phase right now and I can’t even get comfortable in bed at night, so conscious am I of my unacceptably squishy bits. Even as I roll around, trying to find a position where I feel thin, I know I’m being ridiculous. So I’m a few pounds overweight. A little more work, a little less chocolate. I’ll never be thin again (too much work) but I can get it back under control.

But what if I don’t?

According to Gretchen Rubin.in her very excellent blog, The Happiness Project (envy envy envy, she’s doing wonderful work), all this fretting about weight may make us depressed. She writes:

In his book What You Can Change . . . and What You Can't (p. 190), Martin Seligman points out: “All thin-ideal cultures…have roughly twice as much depression in women as men. (Women diet twice as much as men...) [In] cultures without the thin ideal…the amount of depression in women and men in these cultures is the same. This suggests that around the world, the thin ideal and dieting not only cause eating disorders but also cause women to be more depressed than men.” Two root causes of depression are failure and helplessness; dieting makes you feel both. (Note: I can't find my copy of the book to double-check the quotation.)

(Full post here.)

So, how’s this holiday treating you all? You got no money and you’re full of holiday treats? Broke ‘n’ fat? Everybody feel bad?

Eh. We’ll get over it.