Some people staunchly refuse to gripe. I suppose that’s partly temperament. They’re all sunny-side-up 'n' shit. As an enthusiastic griper, I have trouble relating to that. It seems cockeyed to me. And when people reflexively deflect legitimate gripes with some sort of Suzy Sunshine crap, I put a little checkmark next to their names in my head: Doesn’t Want to Hear About It. Which is certainly their prerogative, but it will also change the nature of our friendship. That’s just the way it is for me. I don’t get optimism, they don’t get pessimism, and that’s an essential truth.
Which is not to say I’m proud of my gripiness. I’m sure I wear my friends out, as my friends sometimes wear me out. I suspect we all have friends who turn up mostly when something is wrong, and friends who get stuck in negativity until you feel like running for cover when you see them. I remember one particular time like that for me, when I was deeply dissatisfied with my job at the newspaper. My gosh, my poor friends. I could tell they wanted to dive under their desks when they saw me coming.
I suppose it’s a matter of finding that balance between griping and rejoicing. I know I wore some friends out during a particularly long brutal stretch of my life, so I try really hard to be upbeat with them these days. I don’t want to be That Person, Debbie Downer, the Well-Known Buzzkill. No really, I don’t. And I find myself enjoying recreational bitching and moaning less than I once did, both doing it and listening to it.
Does complaining serve a purpose? I actually found some research on this, by a Robin Kowalski of Western Carolina University Her article, “Whining, Griping, and Complaining: Positivity in the Negativity,” was published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology. While Kowalski acknowledges first all the drawbacks of complaining (including the diving-for-cover factor), she also lists some of the benefits.
For one thing, she says, complaining can make you feel better. It's a little pressure release. And a well-placed complaint can also have financial benefits, such as when you complain about poor service or product defects.
Complaining also is a “social lubricant”-- when you’re uncomfortable in an unfamiliar place or situation, you can connect with others by sharing a gripe about the temperature or the length of the wait or whatever. And, she says, in close relationships, complaining can improve a situation and it can help you assess the other person’s commitment to the relationship—does he or she care about your dissatisfaction or just blow it off? Good information to be mined there.
So griping does have its benefits, which is good to know because I’ll always be a griper. I try to be less random about it than I once was and limit it to legitimate problems. Perhaps to some of my previous partners in griping, I’m getting a little Pollyanna. On the other hand, I’ll never be a total happy face because if I were, I’d find myself intolerable.
10 comments:
I've thought about this many times. Above all, your recreational griping needs to be in balance. Have you ever noticed that you have a relationship with someone that is entirely fueled by complaining? A little is fun, A lot can be constricting.
Oh yes, I've experienced that. And if the griping is one-sided, rather than a mutual gripefest, I feel like a receptacle. No fun.
Observational griping can be mutual. Continual bitching about one's life to a friend can only last so long. Eventually a friend should tell that person to either do something about it or shut the fuck up. That said, I always found your bitching to be quite conversational, although I haven't seen you in quite a few years. Maybe you should elevate yourself (4000') and come to Montana. We could drink a few and share our complaints. At least they would be fresh.
Oh, you should hear me bitch when I'm above sea level. I get positively giddy with griping. Yes, I think I am due for a trip to Montana when we get the new Flyover America launched. I just got home from Wyoming.
I agree, it's about balance. If someone complains about their life during every conversation or places fault on other people when they are to blame, I have little tolerance for that - I just want to say, "You're an adult. Take responsbility, learn from your mistakes, and figure out what you're going to do about it." Everyone has to vent every now and then though and that's understandable.
Love this discussion.
I find that I wax and wane pretty evenly between griper and listener of gripe, and that the release of a gripe session with a trusted comrade is so very good.
I can usually sense when if I keep talking about it I might become negative or malicious and that's when I try to cap it off, since if I go past griping and into flat-out mean mode, I can't rescind that bad energy and I'll end up feeling like crap, worrying or just being in a bad mood later.
Yeah, griping definitely has a cumulative effect. I also find that if I get into sympathetic/empathetic griping with a friend, an otherwise good mood can go bad on me.
And Kristen, yeah--it's the people who have nothing but gripes about their life that wear me down. And the "yeah, but" people, when they shoot down every suggestion for changing things they don't like.
Great discussion here. I like honest talks and can't stand it when people immediately shy away from the dark side. When I complain, though (I mean, what else is a blog for?), I do try to make it funny or have some kind of insight. That's what happens when you grow up in a repressed, WASPy world.
I have a tendency to want to make my unhappiness entertaining for those I unload it on. It often works too well, as I know have friends who actively prefer the funny, beleaguered me.
I concur. I try hard these days to bitch less unless it's a bitch-fest and everyone's in on it. I also try to remember that those closest to me receive the most of my bitching so I try even harder to give them a break. Nothing helps me remember this more than listening to a friend who has forgotten to give me a break....
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